phobia mania
by LixXxa
Summary: Selenophobia is one having the fear of moons. Remus has it. Pocrescophobia is the fear of being fat, or gaining weight. James has this. Sirius has Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Paraskavedekatriaphobia, Papyrophobia, Melissophobia, Gerascophobia...


**Disclaimer: I don't own!**

**Sum**m**ary: Selenophobia is one having the fear of moons. Remus has it. Pocrescophobia is the fear of being fat, or gaining weight. James has this. Sirius has Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Paraskavedekatriaphobia, Papyrophobia, Melissophobia, Gerascophobia, Bogyphobia, Felinophobia and a certain other number of things. Who knew that behind the ladies man, he's such a scaredy cat. Oops, he's scared of those too.**

**A/N I just wrote this story for my enjoyment. Of course, Sirius isn't scared of so many things. But I decided to make him scared right after watching a horrible, scary movie. Now he's paranoid about everything. **

"Moony," James moaned drearily as they got ready for breakfast one Saturday morning, "Just WHY did you make us watch _Everything That's Gross Can be Turned into Something Scary _last night?" He rubbed his tired eyes, and messed up the back of his hair. He had decided to spend the entire night in his old dorm with his friends, instead of in his Head Boy dorm.

Seventeen year old Remus Lupin smirked. "Why? Thought it was scary?" he teased. "Are you kidding me? It's probably the most non scary movie I've ever seen! Disgusting, but NOT scary." He kept quiet about the large piece of fluff in James' hair.

"It was my first movie ever! Couldn't you have just showed us something easier?" Sirius whined from behind his bed sheets. Remus tried to shake him to get out of the sheets. "No! You can't make me!"

"Come on, Sirius! We've got to get to breakfast, hand in McGonagall our'detention homework', go to James' Quidditch match this afternoon and make it in time for the evening Hogsmeade trip!" Remus protested, trying to roll the dog animagus over. Sirius mumbled, shaking and not getting out of bed.

"I don' wanna," he murmured, hugging his pillow and sheets tighter. "If I get out of bed, I'm gonna grow older!"

"You're growing older right now," Remus told him, starting to get a bit annoyed. James had already left, trying to find Peter and possibly Lily.

"No!" he protested weakly, hardly audible in his sheets. "Scientists say that if you sleep, you age half as much as you do when you're awake."

"Who told you that? It's not true," Remus said harshly, already to the point of pounding his fists onto Sirius' back. He sighed. "Are you afraid of that movie we watched last night? About the guy who just was born, and then the next day, he had white hair?"

"Yeah!"

"He had white hair, because he was an albino!"

"So?"

"He wasn't growing old!"

"Still! They're ALL coming to get me." Sirius shuddered, and Remus rolled his eyes and glanced at the clock.

"Sirius, we're gonna be late for breakfast! Come on!"

"Make me! Today's Friday the 13th! In the movie, on that day, ZOMBIES came out and attacked!" He squeaked, and started to shake.

Remus glanced up at the ceiling, mouthing the words 'Why me?' before taking out his wand and trying a few levitation spells and stuff like that. Sirius either deflected them, or didn't mind them at all. He sighed, before whispering something into Sirius' ear. "First of all, it's SATURDAY. And I thought that the _bogeyman_ lived under the beds?" That did the trick.

Sirius jumped out of his bed, screaming like a girl and kept shrieking and flapping his arms and jumping around madly. "Where? Where? Moony, GET RID OF HIM! He's gonna EAT me!" He started sobbing, but Remus could tell he wasn't crying. Sirius sure was shaking though.

"There's no such thing as a boogey monster," he tried to explain. "Quit acting like a baby, and get dressed!" Remus tapped his wand on Sirius' head, and a small does of boogeys that were flying around like bats attacked the poor ladies man.

"No!!!!!!!!!!" Sirius screamed, and tripped, landing with a large THUMP on the floor. But he got up immediately, and hysterically ran to the bathroom, where he brushed his teeth, changed into muggle jeans and t-shirt and gave his hair a pat before racing out of the dormitories in a second flat. Remus started laughing.

When he was downstairs, he saw Sirius huddled up in the corner next to a wall shaking back and forth. James and Peter were laughing at Sirius wholeheartily. "What's with Padfoot?" James asked, sniggering.

Remus snickered, and tried to get the poor boy to stand up. "I think he has the fear of BOOGEYMEN!"

Sirius shrieked, and ducked out of their grasps under a table. "Black, get out of there!" Lily shrieked, getting up from her chair and smoothed out her skirt looking flustered. "Seriously, what's wrong with him?"

"He's scared of the boogeyman," Remus, James and Peter replied simultaneously, howling with laughter.

Sirius whimpered. "It's not funny. I'm a man; I am NOT scared of them! And why did you have to wake me up? I'm growing old as we speak! Look at my hands! They're wrinkling, drying, DECAYING! Am I gonna get grey hairs? The more I'm out here where erosion will erode the folicles of my BEAUTIFUL black hair, the faster it'll shade into grey!" He lets out a loud sob. "Is my skin getting ugly? I'm too HANDSOME to grow old!"

"You're scared of growing old?" Peter squeaked. "You're the youngest out of all of us!"

"Now there," Lily scolded them slightly. She bent down and petted Sirius' head like a stray dog, "Can't you see that pwoor Pwadfwoot is scwared?" she said sweetly, in a baby tone.

"Right. Of the _boogeyman_," Remus told her, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to breakfast. We'll see you later when you're not whimpering and crying, Padfoot." The three Marauders turned and walked out of the portrait hole, sniggering and laughing.

"Bye Lily!" James called out as he exited the Common Room.

"I can't believe how weird and INSANE Padfoot's being," James said smugly, chuckling. "I mean, he's scared of growing old?"

"No wonder he never acts grown up," Remus agreed as they walked into the Great Hall and found a spot on the table. "Now we know what makes him tick."

"What?" Peter asked.

"No idea."

"Probably nothing," James answered, knocking his head with a fist and crossing his eyes. They burst out laughing, only feeling a BIT sorry for making fun of their best friend. After a couple more jokes, the three friends settled themselves for breakfast.

"Mmm, bacon," Peter moaned, stuffing his face with bacon, buttered toast and scrambled eggs. Remus started to eat his too, but much cleaner than before. James just sat there, staring at his empty plate and back and forth between the fatty goods.

"Uh, Prongs? What's wrong?" Remus asked, sipping on a glass of pumpkin juice. "Eat. You have a Quidditch match today, remember?"

"Um, er, uhh," James mumbled, his eyes darting fearfully at the food. "How many calories does that bacon have?" Remus and Peter watched him literally drool on on the table, watching the fattening strip of bacon on Peter's plate. It had a lot of grease on it, and Peter had piled it with salt.

"Um, a lot. Why?" Peter reached over and grabbed a large plate french fries, also packed with salt and dripping with grease.

James straightened up and cleared his throat. "Uh, no reason." He fixed his imaginary tie and collar, and wrinkled his nose. "All that food isn't good for you, Pete. Try some of this healthy PANCAKES."

Peter stared transfixedly at the pancakes. "Ok. The syrup is good." James watched as Peter stacked five pancakes onto his plate, and poured the whole container of syrup onto it. "Mmm. Look at all the honey!" James jumped up in shock, and started backing away from the table.

"Prongs, sit down and eat something before you starve to death," Remus told him, finishing his plate of bacon and eggs. "It's good."

"IT'S FATTY!" James screamed. He shuddered, ignoring the faces of his fellow Gryffindors, and quite a number of Ravenclaws. He pushed several large plats of bacon that was meant for the Gryffindor table onto the floor, and cups and utensils aside and jumped on it. "FELLOW HOGWARTS STUDENTS! HOW CAN YOU EAT ALL OF THIS FAT? IT'S GREASY AND DISGUSTING, LIKE SNIVELLOUS!" he boomed. Everyone looked at him as though he were crazy.

"We have another Sirius this morning," Remus muttered to Peter. He nodded, mouth full of chocolate muffins he had started.

"Right. As if they're serious," Peter snorted, attempting a joke and humour and failing miserably. But Remus, being the really nice person he is, ignored it and turned to watch the scene James was making.

James had taken off his shirt and was yelling about how food makes you fat and how you shouldn't eat food, because if you're fat, you'll explode.

"Him too?" Remus had to smirk. The movie from last night definitely caught up to James. In the movie, there was a guy who hate eaten cake after cake, pie after pie and grew up to eight hundred pounds, before the disgusting part started to happen. The guy ate a final chocolate cake, and started to bleed. He had exploded in that sense, and bled to his death and until he was only two hundred pounds.

"IF YOU EAT ALL OF THIS, YOU WILL BECOME HUGE!" James roared. He marched up to the High Table, where Dumbledore and the teachers watched him, shocked. "Does it look like my waist line is getting bigger? I think so. I have too much fat in my arms," he whined, panicking. McGonagall was appalled and speechless.

"Prongs, that's musc-" the werewolf tried to call out, but James had shrieked and ran from the Great Hall, waving his shirt behind him. The Slytherins burst into laughter, and the rest of the Hall stared after the boy in silent shock. Remus shook his head, wondering why he was friends with him. "Am I the only one that's normal?"

Peter snorted like a pig. "That coming from a w-oof." He fell to the floor, unconscious as Remus cracked his knuckles and rolled his eyes at the rat animagus.

"Sorry Pete, but there are people in the Hall." With that, the werewolf stood up and walked to the library calmly. On the way there, he past by Sirius who was covered up in scratches. "What happened, Padfoot?" Sirius was white faced and shaking.

"M-Mo-Moony!" he gasped, clutching Remus' arm tightly. "I-it's HORRIBLE."

"What is?" Remus asked, guiding Sirius to the library. He inspected the four simultaneous scratches on his cheek. "Cats?"

"AAHHH!" Sirius screamed, jumping around madly. "Lily's! It was HORRIBLE!"

"I think I got that the first time," Remus muttered. "Seriously though, you love cats! In fact, you chase them!"

"But in the movie," Sirius whimpered, "Dr. Acne had seven c-cats and they started SCRATCHING HIM. Remember? They wouldn't stop, and he died that way. I thought it was the end of my life then, Moony! Tell me, do I look older?"

Remus rolled his eyes and sighed. "This is getting ridiculous. Why did I have to let you three watch that movie? Actually, why did I let you and James watch it? I mean, Wormtail came out all fine! Sorta. Seriously, Padfoot, I think you need some help. A psychiatrist," Sirius winced, "should help with your...felinophobia," Sirius winced as Remus made him sit down at a library table. "Come on. Let's get started on the conversion of nocturnal," wince, "mammals," wince, "to bijouls," wince, "and-Why the hell are you wincing a lot?" Remus demanded, getting annoyed.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder and whispered, "The cats attacked Dr. Acne because he spoke those long, scientific words."

"Oh brother!" Remus pinched Sirius, who winced again. "Sirius, SNAP OUT OF IT." Whe Sirius just started to shudder and shake, Remus rolled his eyes, pulling out his transfiguration textbook, parchment, quill and ink. "I think I know what you got," he told the dog animagus. He walked over to a book shelf quickly and pulled out the bookthoughtfully. "Here's a book of phobias. It looks like you have-hmmm- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia."

Sirius screamed, and his current girlfriend Emily Dolphin who was walking past looked at him, weirded out. "BIG WORD! BIG WORD ALERT! AND PAPER! Moony has PAPER! EVERYBODY, GET OUT OF THE LIBRARY!" He started running laps around the library, disturbing the students who were studying. Sirius shook several first and second years and shooed them out, and ran over to his girlfriend's table and started ripping up all the paper on the table. Then he ran back to Remus' table, who pretended not to know him and grabbed a roll of parchment.

"Padfoot, give me that back," Remus demanded. "Unlike you, I haven't been running around the past hour trying to rip up books, parchments and shoving everyone out. Like an illiterate." Sirius shrieked, throwing the parchment in the air, and tried to pull out his hair. The parchment flew up and hit Emily on the head, who was heading over to break up with Sirius. Emily fell to the floor, crosseyed.

"No, my hair! Am I shedding? Oh, great! All this running is gonna make my legs tired and I'm gonna age even faster!"

"Well, you're lucky," Remus told him, keeping Sirius away from his books. "First of all, you prevented a break up with Emily. And somehow, you managed to convince Madam Pince. And she's the LIBRARIAN."

Sirius started panting heavily, hysterical. "Well, then she's the only smart person in the world! I can't believe no one's taking my warning!" A fourth year passed by, and Sirius ripped the book out of his hands and started to rip it to shreds.

"Hey!" the fourth year cried out as Sirius ripped a few pages with his teeth. Remus was startled to see foam coming out of his mouth. "Um, I'm leaving," the kid said, and hurried away.

"Sirius, stop it. People are going to think you have rabies. And if you're done your rampage, we've got to go to James' Quidditch match. It's against Slytherins, just so you know," Remus said, packing up his belongings. Sirius was busy looking at himself in the mirror. Remus sighed, before thinking of the best solution. "Padfoot? Are you over your _Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia_?" Sirius screamed again and again. Remus covered his ears as Sirius screamed, wide eyed and frantic and just plain hysterical. Just when Remus' werewolf hearing had enough, Sirius fell to the ground in a dead faint. "I can't believe Sirius Black just fainted." Remus shook his head, stepped over Sirius' body and exited the library to the Quidditch pit.

Several hours later, at the Quidditch pitch where both Sirius and Peter had woken up and joined Remus in cheering for James, the match ended with a roar from the Gryffindors. "WE RULE!" Sirius hollered.

James ran up to them, the snitch in one hand and his broomstick in the other. "Great job, Prongs," Remus congratulated.

"Thanks. Er, why does Padfoot have a facial mask on him?"

They turned to Sirius, who gave an innocent shrug. His entire face except for his eyes, mouth and nostrils were covered in thick green goo. "It's a muggle aging mask. I think I had a couple wrinkles, along with the scratches from the cat." He shuddered, not at all looking ashamed of his new weirdness.

They stared wide eyed at him. "Here," Peter squeaked at James, his head still throbbing, "a chocolate frog for our victory."

James screamed. Sirius jumped and then screamed. The two of them turned to each other, screamed and turned back to Remus and Peter still screaming. Wormtail, feeling confused, screamed when they screamed in his ear. James knocked the chocolate frog out of Wormtail's hands, and started to stomp on it. "Sickening, fattening, sugaryfilled, fatty..."

"PRONGS!" Remus bellowed, fuming. Everyone knew that Moony was obsessed with chocolate, so whenever he saw any precious chocolate being wasted, he'd go ballistic. "GOD invented chocolate for a reason!"

James started to get scared, and showed it. "But it's FATT-"

"YOU ARE DEAD!" Remus roared. He was about to pounce the stag, but James started screaming, staring at his hand. "What?"

"I'M EXPLODING, I'M EXPLODING!" he shrieked, holding out his hand where a trickle of blood bled.

"James, it's just a slither. From your broomstick," Peter said slowly.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah! I mean, some would say you've been acting ridiculous all day."

Remus glared at Sirius, who was appalled. "What was that?"

"Er."

"YOU TWO HAVE BEEN ACTING RIDICULOUS AND ANNOYING ALL DAY LONG! And Sirius, I'm really NOT sorry for this, but since I know that this was the scariest part of the movie for you..." Remus pulled out his wand and muttered a spell. "This will teach you for ruining good chocolate..."

Sirius and James frowned. "Listen," James whispered. They arched their eyebrows and listened intently. "I think something's buzzing."

The buzzing sound grew louder, until Sirius immediately knew what they were. "BEES! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER BEES!" Remus watched all three of them scream and run into each other, knocking each other down. The yellow and black were becoming visible, in the distance. Sirius screamed, red faced and tripped on a rock. When he got up, he started running to Hogwarts. The only thing was that his pants hand fallen down, revealling his boxers. Which had designs of-

"Bees!"

Remus, horrified, that Sirius would take his boxers off and destroy them in the middle of the walk from the Quidditch pitch to the school, quickly uttered a spell that bound his arms to his sides, and his feet together. "Whoops." That was a badtime to do that. James and Peter were almost at the school by now, and Sirius was standing there tied up as the bees flew closer and closer. "Sorry Padfoot."

Sirius whimpered, before hopping to the school. Remus started laughing as the other people who had come to watch Quidditch watch Sirius hop to the school, tied in rope, pantless and being chased by bees. With an aging mask.

At Hogsmeade a couple hours later, Sirius was sitting at a table in Honeydukes, looking like he had chicken pox. "Cheer up, Pads," James said cheerfully, starvily munching on a chicken wing. "Madam Pomfrey reckons it'll be gone by tomorrow."

Sirius' lip was all swollen, his head and shoulders slump and his muscles so tired. "I can't believe that Moony did that to me."

"Sorry, Padfoot. I forgot the counter spell," Remus apologized, slightly guilty about the whole ordeal as he sipped at his butterbeer. "So, Prongs, I see that you're out of your phase. Hungry?"

"More than ever!" James bit into his wing happily, and his girlfriend had to grin beside him.

"Good. Wouldn't want you to die of starvation on me," Lily gushed, snuggling up to him. "Peter, pass the fries please. So is Sirius ever going to be the same again?"

Sirius turned his eyes onto the redhead. His eyes were mighty swollen. Actually, the bees had nothing to do with it. Sirius had hopped so hard and fast that once he got to the school, he hopped into a wall. And what was worse was that his 'aging mask' had gotten into his eyes. "I hate you," he whispered, struggling to stay awake. "I'll never be the same again. I'm scarred for life." He shuddered, glaring at Remus, who rolled his eyes.

"Sorry, Pads. But this is payback for all the times you put eyedrops in my eyes that made them stay shut for days, put itching powder everywhere in my clothes and made a first year girl punch James."

Sirius sniggered, his eye twitching. "That was-fun-ny. But Em-ly dumped me."

A moment later, a group of girls rushed up to Sirius giggling like mad. "Oh, you poor, brave thing," one of them gushed giggling. Another pulled Sirius into a hug. He winced, but they didn't notice.

"You are so cute! I can't believe you got stung by all those bees! You were SO brave! And did I mention I love your boxers? Bees! That's so cute!" Sirius' face lost its colour for a second, before turning a beat red.

James, Lily, Peter and Remus glanced at each other, and started bursting into laughter.

**Review Please!**

**Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia Fear of long words**

**Paraskavedekatriaphobia Fear of Friday the 13th**

**Papyrophobia Fear of paper**

**Melissophobia Fear of bees **

**Gerascophobia Fera of growing old**

**Bogyphobia Fear of the boogeyman, or boogey**

**Felinophobia Fear of cats**


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